What Next Big Universe?

Unfulfilled potential is an unsatisfying feeling. Something like wanting to go out, but having nothing to wear, or having no money to get groceries, or realizing you've just run out something, but the shops have all closed for the night. You know you could do something wonderful, if only you weren't held back by yourself, your apathy, your lack of education, your lack of connection, your lack of courage. There is nothing quite as wonderful as being given an opportunity, but sometimes that just wonderful feeling is swiftly cut short by insecurity, fear and feelings of incompetence. Do I know myself to be competent? Yes. Do I know myself to be smart? Yes. Then what is this all about? Why does my courage sabotage itself by flinging it's entirety out the window? Where did that window come from in the first place? Somewhere, years ago, that window was built within my little soul as a defense to broken promises. I suppose it was a way to escape my own frustration with being poor, homely, unpopular, lied to. It was an escape from having to have my hopes smashed by someone else, and instead I taught myself to say "Thank you folks, but look, I can smash my own hopes! Look I can stop before I even get started!" Oh boy, what a terrible way to cope!

Well, news flash, I am well capable of trying hard for what I want, and having an escape route that doesn't involve a window but another opportunity. Yes, another and if that doesn't work, maybe another?

Perhaps I've let myself be too damaged by unforeseen circumstances. I've felt so locked into lack of community, into lack of happiness and I've felt locked in by my own decisions to move not once, but twice in the last few years, not across town, but across the country. Boston, you sucked my soul out and left me dry of compassion and empathy. Virginia, you have been both the most difficult time of my life and the most enlightening and oh, Seattle, how I long for you, but we are not meant to be at this time. So we need to move on, maybe someday we can be reunited.

Right now, here, in Virginia, I've got to make my life work, I've got to live here, be present, not withdraw from the enjoyment and potential I have here. I cannot live anymore in the uncertainty of happiness, God is with me, Justin is with me, I am with me. I will settle, I will move on, I will do something great, perhaps, with my pebble sized enthusiasm, I may impact others, and I may change for the better. I will overcome, with God's help.